It appears from my reading of today’s zeitgeist that we are not allowed to have any heroes of the Caucasian persuasion, or any other darker shade either. Anybody born before 1999 has been tainted by the sins of racism, sexism, homophobia, Islamophobia, and probably doesn’t support LGBT rights either. I may have missed a phobia or two there but you get my meaning I’m sure. There might even be a phobia about phobias. The jury is still out on that one though.

So even though you have been pure in thought and deed all your life, have performed countless brave deeds for the betterment of your fellow persons, loved puppies and babies, and returned all your library books on time and paid your fair share of taxes, you won’t get your statue in the park for pigeons to crap on. You were guilty of being born in the wrong time and will surely have committed one or more of the aforementioned sins.

It may bring some relief to know that since you won’t be venerated and have statues built in your honor you need not fear your monument will be desecrated. After all, statues erected to past worthies have fared poorly lately.

You don’t even have to be one of those Confederate statues that everybody knows to be racist to the core to have your bronze body be dragged off your bronze horse and beaten to scrap metal.

Don’t be too concerned as our homegrown Taliban is working diligently to sanitize our history for your mental health. Why, very shortly all traces of our nation’s history will be erased from our collective memories. History books will be shortened to just a two-page booklet. What point is there to wasting your precious time studying those unredeemable racists of the past when important discoveries in Ethnomusicology, Gender studies, Food studies and Food justice, and the ever-popular LGBTQ studies await the inquiring mind.

James M. Smith


Recommended for you