It was recently brought to my attention that the City of Rome is actively seeking someone for the position of assistant city manager to replace Patrick Eidson, who left that post.

Unfortunately, the powers that be did not send me a personal invitation to apply for the position. I can only assume it was lost in the mail or that, after careful consideration, they felt I was OVER qualified for the job and therefore did not want to insult me by offering it to me.

Nevertheless, since I am now aware of the vacancy, I would like to submit my name to be considered for ASSISTANT CITY MANAGER of the CITY OF ROME.

Here are some reasons I should be considered for the job ...

1. I would break up that cabal of University of West Georgia graduates who are leading our city. I think Rome has a secret agreement with Carrollton where they just exchange people with one another and stonewall everyone else.

2. I would only use my position for a few insignificant perks such as my own designated parking spot on every Broad Street block, city police would never be able to give me a ticket and I would require that Bojangles cater all official city meetings for the foreseeable future.

3. My résumé says I’m fluent in Spanish.

4. There would certainly be fireworks at city meetings, seeing as how it’s no secret that City Manager Sammy Rich and I are mortal enemies who never see eye to eye. We’d clash over every decision. We’d fight like cats and dogs, each seeking to undermine the other’s authority.

5. I would be the life of the party at official city functions with visiting dignitaries and heads of state. You think Sammy Rich will do shots with the Prime Minister of Japan? Or shotgun beers with high ranking Italian officials? Of course not. But I will. I’ll show our city’s visitors such a good time that they’ll quickly sign any treaty or agreement or proclamation we put in front of them. They’ll be begging to trade with Rome or to build new factories here.

Upon reflection, it appears that I may NOT be the most suitable candidate for the position of assistant cty manager.

However, I have a couple suggestions for the position ...

Greg Major — He’s the general manager of Truett’s Chick-fil-A. Imagine what he could do for the city. He’d have this place running like a well-oiled machine in no time. And when you go to pay your water bill. the line will move quickly and everyone will say “my pleasure.”

Tannika King — Did y’all see her run Dave Roberson’s 2-year-long sheriff campaign? She made sure he was at 10 different places all within minutes of each other, without a single conflict. She kept up with his schedule, his money, his media interaction, his social media presence AND his public appearances. She’ll make sure Sammy Rich is where he needs to be, when he needs to be there. He’ll never miss a meeting.

Jim Powell — Jim is retired from GNTC and is a member of the Knights of Columbus and now president of the Historic DeSoto Theatre Foundation. He doesn’t wait for someone else to do things that need to be done. Jim will be picking up city trash in his own truck and sweeping Broad Street himself.

Christa Jackson — Can you imagine if the city stole Christa Jackson from St. Mary’s? She’d bring her smiles and her warm, caring nature to city hall. No one could be mad at her. Put her on the front lines. You’d go in to complain about potholes on your street and the next thing you know you’re walking out smiling with a freshly baked loaf of bread in your hands. Problem solved.

Kurt Stuenkel — The man that came in and revived an ailing Floyd Medical Center and turned it into the thriving medical center it is today can do the same thing for the city. He’ll come in with innovative ideas and cost-cutting measures and make sure the city runs efficiently and profitably within the first fiscal year. He’s the Elon Musk of Rome. And the best part is, Kurt Stuenkel doesn’t need the ACM’s salary. He’ll probably just donate it to a local shelter or something. Win-Win.

Holly Lynch — Y’all ever been to a wedding where Holly Lynch was the planner? She owns The Season Events and the woman is ON POINT. She makes sure that everything goes according to plan. And if circumstances need to change, she has a plan B and a plan C to ensure things run smoothly. She’ll treat the city’s functions like glittering special events. The food will be fantastic and everybody will be perfectly lined up for photos when the photographer gets there.

If city officials do not see fit to offer me the position of assistant city manager then I hope they will consider one of the candidates I have put forward. Or at the very least, they can give me my own parking spot on Broad Street as consolation.

Severo Avila is Features Editor for the Rome News-Tribune.

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