When not mired in justice and stuff, our courts can be as wacky and comical as any situation comedy. Remember “Night Court”? Like that, except funny.

A bored reader forwarded me these actual quotes a while back, taken down word for word by smirking court reporters from around the country.

Your honors, I present my case:

Judge: “Well sir, I have reviewed this case and I’ve decided to give your wife $77 a week.”

Husband: “That’s fair, your honor. I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself.”


Question: What is your date of birth?

Answer: July 15th.

Question: What year?

Answer: Every year.


Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?

A: 38 or 35, I can’t remember which.

Q: How long has he lived with you?

A: 45 years.


Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?

A: He said “Where am I, Cathy?”

Q: And why did that upset you?

A: My name is Susan.


Q: And where was the location of the accident?

A: Approximately milepost 499.

Q: And where is milepost 499?

A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.


Q: Sir, what is your IQ?

A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.


Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?

A: After the accident?

Q: Before the accident.

A: Sure, I played for 10 years. I even went to school for it.


Q: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?


Q: The youngest son, the 20-year old, how old is he?


Q: She had three children, right?

A: Yes.

Q: How many were boys?

A: None.

Q: Were there any girls?


Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?

A: Yes.

Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?


Q: How was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death.

Q: And by whose death was it terminated?


Q: Can you describe the individual?

A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male or a female?


Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition that I sent to your attorney?

A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.


Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.


Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.


Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?


Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?

A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

I rest my case.

Email Len Robbins at lrobbins@theclinchcountynews.com.

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