I’ve seen all the weight loss schemes out there, and I’ve rocked them all.

By “rocked” I mean: Tried and failed.

The No-Carb Diet, the Grapefruit Diet, the Subway Diet, the Smoke-Yourself- Thin Diet, the Beer-and-Popcorn Diet, the Beer-and-Beer Diet. None of them worked for me.

I tried other fads to lose a few pounds. I attempted that wrapping-a-tight-sock-around-your-waist thing. I bought a Bowflex. Tried “Sweatin’ to the Oldies,” a tapeworm, swimming, stapling my lips together, jogging and other scams that promise quick results. I didn’t lose much weight, except when my tapeworm (“Reginald”) gave me the Bangkok flu. When Taco Bell introduced that dang Doritos taco shell, I gained those pounds back — in a couple of hours.

The problem I have in getting back to my “playing weight” is that I haven’t found the right diet for me. See, I need a diet that requires three things: 1. No effort; 2. No change in lifestyle; and 3. No restrictions on what I eat.

Impossible? I thought so, too, until I hooked up with this revelation – The Fishing Diet.

Before you scoff, this has nothing to do with eating fish, unless you want to. It has to do with the “sport” of fishing.

A while back, my son and I went fishing for about three hours, at two different locations, and caught a grand total of four tiny bream, three large limbs, and two size 9 boots. And broke one pole.

It was a rare, horrible outing, with one magnificent catch. When we got home, my wife was showing her fitness app on her phone — where you type in what you are eating, how much you have exercised, etc., and it shows you how many calories you are consuming, or in the case of exercise, burned.

We had gone walking the day before for 40 minutes. Keyed that in. For me, it was 172 calories burned. On a lark, I typed in fishing. The app asked if I fished from the river bank or from a boat, and how long. I typed in 180 minutes (three hours) and that we fished off the river bank. Fishing that afternoon, I burned 971 calories. That’s right — 971 calories.

I thought it a mistake and looked up other calorie counters online. It was consistent with them.

Apparently, having to walk back to your truck (repeatedly) when a fish steals your bait eats up a ton of calories.

The Fishing Diet meets all my criteria: I don’t have to extend any extra effort; I don’t have to change anything about my lifestyle; and I can eat whatever I want. Whatever I eat, I just have to fish enough to correspond appropriately with the calories consumed. For instance, let’s say I want a Zaxby’s chicken finger plate (which I always want). That’s 1,053 calories, according to the Interwebs. So, in order to burn those calories off, I need to go fishing for close to four hours. Basically, if I want to eat a Zaxby’s chicken finger plate for breakfast, lunch and dinner (which I do), I could, and not gain any weight, if I corresponded those meals with roughly 12 hours of fishing.

That sounds about like a perfect day, if combined with 12 hours of sleep.

I often have wondered why “angletes” were so svelte and healthy. Now I know. And so do you. You’re welcome. See you by the river.

Email Len Robbins at lrobbins@theclinchcountynews.com.

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