I used to tell my wife that I was the most patient man in America. This was usually followed by a swift verbal reprimand, so I stopped saying that.
Still, that title may be accurate, because I have never retaliated against people who say stupid things Obviously I have more restraint than my wife. But my patience is wearing thin, so watch out. I’m putting the following people on notice:
All you cashiers who send me out the door by saying, “You have a nice one!” I will soon reply, “A nice what?”
When you say, “You are not going to believe this,” I will reply, “Then why waste your time telling me?”
When you say, “To make a long story short,” I will point out you’ve been talking for 20 minutes.
When you say, “Now this is just me talking,” I will look over your shoulder for a ventriloquist, just to be sure.
When you say, “I don’t spread rumors, but this is what I’ve heard,” I must let you know that you are indeed spreading rumors.
When you say, “I’m not going to lie to you now,” I will begin wondering if anything you have ever said was true.
When you say, “Nobody asked me, but…” I should probably remind you that there’s a reason for that.
When the Emergency Room clerk asks me, “Do you want to be seen today?” I will reply, “Why, yes I do. That’s why I turned off my invisible powers.”
When you say, “No offense, but…” I will brace myself, because you are about to ask me if I bought my shirt at Baby Gap.
When you ask me, “What time is it right now?” I will respond, “I don’t have that information. However, I can tell you it was 11:15 ten minutes ago.”
When you say, “It goes without saying,” I will stop you and say, “Well, then, don’t say it!”
When you tell me, “My grandma gave me this recipe before she died,” I will tell you that was definitely good timing on her part.
When I tell you that last week I survived a tornado, a bear attack, and a lightning strike, I will go ballistic if you reply, “I know exactly how you feel.”
If you say, “Let’s not go there!” I will remind you that I didn’t invite you there.
If I’m choking on food, and you shout, “What’s wrong? Are you OK? Did some food go down the wrong way?” I probably won’t say anything to you then, but I will later.
If you say, “I am literally dying here!” I will literally call the ambulance.
If you say, “Here’s the deal,” you had better be a car salesperson.
If you say, “That’s neither here nor there,” then you should tell me exactly where it is.
If you’re a waitress, and you ask me, “Is everything OK” be prepared for me to answer, “Well, I have concerns about Russia and the Middle East, for sure. I certainly don’t think everything’s OK in China. On a personal level, my arthritis is acting up, and my best friend’s marriage may be ending. And I think we could improve school security. Hey wait, where did you go, I wasn’t finished!”
When I’m running in from a pouring rain and you ask me, “Is it raining outside?” I will say, “No, I just installed a shower in my car, and today I forgot my towel.”
If you’re airport security, and you ask me, “Has anyone placed anything inside your luggage without your knowledge?” I will respond, “Hey, how did you know I was a psychic? Now let me close my eyes and concentrate... First, you’re a Scorpio, am I right?”
When you tell me, “I saw it with my own eyes,” I will say, ”Good for you. I’m so lazy, I usually borrow someone else’s.”
When you tell me, “I finally found my glasses in the bathroom. That’s the LAST place I’d look!” I will say, “Not me. When I find something, I just keep looking for it. It’s good exercise.”
And finally, “Do you feel me?” Not unless I want to get arrested.