I called Junior E. Lee, general manager of the Yarbrough Worldwide Media and Pest Control Company, located in Greater Garfield, Georgia, to see if he could help me make sense of the strange political world in which we find ourselves these days.
Junior is not only one of most highly-respected political analysts in the nation, he is also a pest control professional. That is a unique combination. Try calling the snoots in the newsroom at the New York Times and see if anybody there can tell you how to keep flea beetles from eating holes in your collard greens.
Junior had just returned from Arveen Ridley’s place where he had been spraying for cow ticks. He was headed over to Aunt Flossie Fulmer’s where he intends to take a peek inside her drawers. I hope he is talking about looking for carpenter ants but I have to be careful how I deal with Junior. Pest control professionals tend to be very temperamental.
I told Junior I had gotten a lot of mail about my columns on Donald Trump. I was surprised how many people who say they are Republicans agreed with me that the presidential election was over and that it was time to move on. And then there were those who claim that the election was a fraud and seemed to want to blame me for having brought the subject up. One even accused me of being a liberal. While I accepted the criticism with equanimity, I am sure a lot of Chardonnay-sipping. left-leaning weenies would feel otherwise.
Junior cautioned me to be careful what I say about Trump these days. If his supporters tore up the United States Capitol and talked about taking Mike Pence and Nancy Pelosi hostage, what would keep them from storming the headquarters of the Yarbrough Worldwide Media and Pest Control Company in Greater Garfield, Georgia and taking him or our trusted colleague, Figby, hostage?
He was particularly concerned about the guy wearing the buffalo head running loose in Greater Garfield. Buffaloes are known as a haven for lice and the last thing the town needs besides a mob attacking our headquarters is a lice infestation. Junior says he has stashed away a considerable amount of malathion just to be on the safe side. It not only works on lice, it has shown to be effective on fruit flies, too. Leave it to Junior E. Lee to cover all the bases.
I told Junior that while several readers admitted that the Capitol riots went too far, they wanted to know why nobody seems upset with a bunch of young hooligans looting and burning down buildings, turning over police cars and barricading roads.
Junior said that the riots have occurred in cities with liberal mayors. Also, the goons are treated with kid gloves by the media which are infested with more liberals than lacewing larvae in a cotton patch. (Junior and his pest control analogies again!) He said since I am a liberal, I should have been able to answer my own question. I told him that was just what one reader thought and that I didn’t appreciate his sarcasm.
Junior said he was just joshing. He says he knows some liberals and that I have got a long way to go before I could ever qualify as one. I’d have to refuse to recite the Pledge of Allegiance, kneel during the National Anthem and demand that North Dakota be given back to the Chippewas. I hope that reader sees this.
In closing, I asked Junior E. Lee if things were ever going to get back to normal or was this the way life was going to be – Republicans fighting with Republicans; Democrats spending money faster than they can print it; a pandemic that won’t seem to go away; QAnon conspiracies; calls to defund the police. It is all so depressing.
Junior said not to worry. NASA has told him there is a chance that a giant asteroid headed this way could hit us in 2068. That would take care of the Proud Boys, global warming and all the other stuff.
I don’t know where he hears these things but I would suggest that we take it seriously. To be on the safe side, I am going to pray for forgiveness for all my many transgressions. Junior says the only thing he plans to do is to take a long look inside Aunt Flossie Felmer’s drawers. There is only Junior E. Lee. Thank goodness.