Since my last Rome Fancy column, I’ve heard from lots of Rome residents about what constitutes Rome Fancy.
I’ve had people call, email and write in to ask me if they qualify as Rome Fancy. So I’ve come up with another round of indicators to tell if you are, in fact, Rome Fancy.
These indicators have point values to them. Please read them carefully. Some give you fancy points and some take ‘em away. So get a pencil and some paper and make a note of your points.
For those of you who thought you were Rome Fancy, see if you still qualify. And those of you who weren’t the last time around, see if you’ve made it this time. There’s absolutely no shame in being Rome Fancy or Rome Fancy Wannabe.
1. If you own a third car, add 1 point. I’m not talking about cars for the kids. If you and your spouse/significant other each have a car and there’s another one just sittin’ in your car port and it runs, then that’s fancy. However, subtract 1 point if there is a vehicle on your property that hasn’t run for years and it’s just sittin’ there being an eyesore.
2. If you own an in-ground pool, that’s 2 points in your favor. That’s super fancy. But...this is very important....if you own an ABOVE-ground pool, subtract 2 points. The difference between an in-ground pool and above-ground pool is the difference between Dennis Quaid and Randy Quaid.
3. If all your monthly bills are on autodraft, you get 2 points. That’s when your bills are automatically deducted from your bank account each month without you even knowing how much the bill is. There ain’t NO WAY someone like me could have all their bills on autodraft. When my bills come in, I play a fun little game called “What utility is scheduled to be disconnected first” and that’s the bill I pay first.
4. If you can wait several days before depositing a check, you’re fancy. Please award yourself 1 point. If you write me a check, please be prepared for me to get in my car and deposit it immediately using online banking because that’s how fast I need that money in my account. People who have the luxury of just letting a check sit in their car for days or even weeks are from a different universe than I am.
5. If you are unable to have your car serviced in Rome, you get 2 points. It’s the height of fanciness to want a luxury car so bad that it doesn’t bother you to have to drive to Kennesaw or Chattanooga or Atlanta to have it serviced. These cars include Subarus, Volvos, Mercedes, Audis, BMWs, Jaguars etc.
6. If you ever purchased tickets to attend Steeplechase, you get 1 point. Those things were NOT cheap. You get another point if you wore seersucker anything or a big hat. However, you must subtract 1 point if you just mooched off someone else’s tent and got drunk for free.
7. If you pay for a Netflix or Amazon Prime membership, you get 1 point. If, like me, you depend on someone else’s generosity and use their membership for free, subtract 1 point. The people who pay for these (and similar services) and then allow you to use it for free are the same people who prepare for natural disasters and then help others who didn’t think they needed to prepare.
8. If you can think in terms of the community and not just about yourself and you can see the positive revenue impact of the Rome Tennis Center, award yourself 1 point. If you don’t care to understand it, and simply make illogical and misinformed comments about it on social media, subtract 1 point.
9. If you shop at the Between The Rivers Farmer’s Market on Saturday mornings, you are REAL fancy. 2 points for you.
10. If you (or your significant other) works at any of those local law offices with a bunch of names in the title, you are DEFINITELY fancy. Add 3 points. These include (but are not limited to) McRae, Smith, Peek, Harman & Monroe OR Brinson, Askew, Berry, Seigler, Richardson & Davis OR Cox, Twyman, Byington & Johnson. Now if you are actually one of the people who those firms are named after, you automatically get a Rome Fancy gold star for LIFE.
11. If you have ever paid for season tickets for the MLB, NFL, NBA or SEC football, you get 1 point. That’s fancy.
Now add up your points. If you got negative points to 1 point, you are NOT fancy. You and I buy knockoff brand cereal and put them in a different container because they look the same and no one will know the difference.
If you got 2-5 points, you’re Rome Fancy-wannabe. You have fancy tendencies, but you still live on a budget and sometimes you tell the kids to order from the dollar-value menu cause mama ain’t made of money and she has to save up for travel ball.
If you got 6-10 points, you are officially Rome Fancy. Congratulations. You own rental property in Celanese but you’d never actually live there.
And if you got more than 10 points, please put me on y’alls Christmas list because I know y’all spend a ton of money on Christmas presents for your family AND friends.